There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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