Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Randomize
