Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
