I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
