Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
