peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
