haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
third nipple confirmed
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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