i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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