What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
