I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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