im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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