I think i sorta joined a cult last night
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
