so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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