Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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