Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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