Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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