So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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