No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You brought string cheese to the strip club
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
