You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
