Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
