I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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