I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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