Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize