I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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