Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
