Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
