I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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