People in love make me want to vomit
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Randomize
