On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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