bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
