did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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