You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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