Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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