In the future we'll all be gay
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
