I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
