burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
