well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
