Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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