I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
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