i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i think i have two assholes
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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