walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
