you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
