The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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