Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
