I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
