She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
