Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
