i jhust puked up my retainher.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
