wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
