i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
