She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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