I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
