We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
