then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I touched a dick in church today
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
