I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
