I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
