Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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