meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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