there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize