Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
