finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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