I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
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