He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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