who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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