Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
