Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
