I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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