remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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