I wish I could punch you in the face.
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
