then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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