I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
