Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
